The art of making fertilizer

First take some mince, preferably some that was on special and has been living in the bottom of the freezer since before Kennedy was shot.
Now defrost it in the microwave while you search the fridge and pantry for food and ingredients which have been sitting around due to the fact that no one has the mettle to consume them.
Heat a wok and grease it well.
Once defrosted add your mince and while it sizzles, use a spatula to separate any clumps and assure it cooks evenly.
Now start adding ingredients at arbitrary intervals.
For this particular concoction you will need:
Five average sized potatoes
Half an onion
Half an apple
Misc oriental flavoured paste
A box of chicken stock
As much ketchup as you can find
And Cashew nuts
Peel and chop your potatoes in half. Microwave them for two minutes thinking that once you put them in the wok they will soften.
After dumping your potatoes in the wok, add your onion (finely chopped) and your apple (chopped akin to onion).
Decide that the meal looks flavourless and spend a minute worrying if the mince is safe to eat. Hide this by adding the rest of whatever ketchup you have. Afterwards, add a table spoon of oriental sauce, because Asian fusion is so in.
Keep this "meal" from drying out in the wok by progressively adding chicken stock while cooking.
Once you feel the ingredients should not be cooked any longer (use only misguided intuition for this judgment call otherwise you'll over cook or under cook), drain any unwanted juices and transfer into a clean container.
At this point it is important to realize that the potatoes are still raw.
Carefully pluck them out with a dessert fork taking special care not to stab them but rather, attempt to spoon them muttering obscenities under your breath as they slip back into the mincey ooze. If this step takes you less than four minutes you are doing it wrong.
Now that the potato chunks are out, put them back in the microwave for another two minutes. Once done, cut the halves into halves (so the chunks are smaller), salt the shit out of them and slip them back into the main container.
Chop some cashew nuts and add them also, now stir the entire concoction ‘til well mixed.
The thing which you have created here will aid plant growth when mixed into soil. Its secondary uses are torturing Al Qaeda sympathizers and in extreme circumstances, can pass as food for some goat or sloth creature.

Thanks for reading,


-Multisquish

First time lucky?

Hello chaps and chucks. Let me share with you how reluctant I am about blogging. If I want an opinion about something I will seek out a known professional. If I can't find one, I will seek out an unknown professional. If I still can't find one of those, I will seek out a known unprofessional etc etc.

My point being: why do people read/care/take the advice of bloggers?
Who am I to you? No one, that's who.
Why should you care about what I have to say? You shouldn't. Not really.

I will be back to rant on this thing. I don't expect you to read it. I don't even expect myself to write anything of interest to anyone. But, I will try. :)

Multisquish.